Wow, here I am taking off on this flight to Dallas Texas. I look out of my window seat view to see what I think is Wembley Arena below, then clouds sweep across and I am lifted up and above into visions of clouds and sunbeams. The ground is thick with plumes of white wool. It looks dense and impenetrable like a thick layer of icing separating me from the ground below, from my life below. I turn my attention to the inflight magazine. I read a news article, well it’s hardly news, an interview with Renee Zellweger on the upcoming release of ‘Bridget Jones Baby’.
Clouds part and patchwork farmlands appear, ten whole hours with nothing to do and nowhere to go. I exhale deeply, it feels like an incredible release of something, I don’t know what. I don’t know how I feel in the moment, it’s a mixture of love and guilt and fear and excitement, tiredness, wired-ness, fear (I already said that).
When do I ever do this? Have I ever done this? More often than not I am saving myself. Just like this beautiful book. The cover reads “MASTERPLAN”. I believe that I have to save its pages for something great, something greater than me, than what I can express.
What are you waiting for? When will you wear those special outfits? When will you spoil those perfect pages with your inky scrawl?
I search out a romantic comedy to start me off on my journey. It's funny, I thought I was already on my journey, turns out that was just packing.
(9 hours 1 min remaining)
Film: 45 years
Ha-ha, well that was depressing. In a way I am obviously drawn to otherwise I wouldn’t have sat through an hour and a half of it. What did it teach me? Something new or something I already knew, reinforced?
My mum once told me, “Never put your emotions in a cupboard, never bottle it up. It is always there even when you cannot see it, even when you think that you have forgotten, when everyone around you has forgotten or never knew”.
Never push your troubles under the carpet, because one day you will trip over it. The past will fall out at you. It will fall and smash and break at such a speed that there will be no way to keep up. No way to catch and replace these fragile objects, these delicate memories like glass filled with emotion, they fly at you. You will be forced to stop trying to break their fall. You will be forced to step aside and watch as your world crashes before you. A delicate world whose foundations were built on misconception and fear.
It is ok to drop the balls. It is ok to stand back and say, “There is nothing I can do here, nothing that I can change, fix or block in this moment”.
I must wait
I must be patient
I must wait for every last glass ball to hit the ground
I must wait for stillness.
Now I can see, now I can start to rebuild
Something that is honest, true and unbreakable
Acknowledging all parts of me
All the dark and grimy truths
I cannot juggle glass balls
I cannot mend broken glass
I must search inwardly for the truth
Out here does not belong to me
It is just a gift that must one day be returned
It is inside that needs my attention
The weeds have grown so tall
They suffocate me
Clogging my nose with a congestion that only space can heal
Only time can settle these murky waters
Let the quiet waters clear
Now I see me
Films: Money Monster / Mothers Day
(2 hours 32 mins remaining to Dallas)